My eight-year-old will have a new BFF five minutes into our stop at Northshore Park. I'm not sure exactly how the magic happens, but literally within minutes, she and another kiddo are racing around the playground, sharing secrets as though they've been best friends for years.
As we get older, things aren't as smooth. Making new mommy friends in your 30's (and 40's) can be challenging. Now, you're not only looking for relationships that will benefit you, you have to think about those that benefit the rest of your family as well. (Or do you?)
Maybe you relocated here with your husband's job, and you left your close friends and family miles away. You're in a new city, and the social circles here just don't quite fit with your expectations. Or maybe the thought of meeting new people is cringe-worthy to you because of social anxiety.
Whatever the case, don't worry. Making new friends and building new relationships can be a lot of fun, and it doesn't have to be difficult.
Here are my tips for making new friends when you're in your 30's (and 40's).
Be openminded.
You're older and wiser, and you've earned your right to be selective. Sure, you want friends whose values align with your own. But be open to meeting moms who might not check all your boxes. Maybe she's a single mom and you prefer friends who are married, or vice versa. Maybe she has boys, and you have girls. Or maybe she has tattoos and you despise that. Now isn't the time to be judgey, so give folks a chance. Some of the richest friendships can be formed by the unlikeliest of couples.
Strike up a conversation in public places.
If you're in the stands at your son's little league game or waiting in line for snow cones, don't be shy about making small talk. It's a first step that could lead to wonderful new connections Most likely, it'll just be a simple pleasantry for a moment and then you're off in different directions, and that's valuable too. But there's still that chance of being in the right place at the right time and saying just the right thing to strike up an interesting conversation with your soon-to-be BFF. So speak up!
Reach out.
Someone has to make the first move. Will it be you? You don't know how many new friendships you can form if you don't reach out to others. It's an important step that some people overlook. Friends don't just fall from the sky or show up on your front porch uninvited (well, not usually). Invite that mom you're always seeing at the library for a park date after storytime. Or call up the mom of your child's friend with something like "Hey, I'm trying out that new coffee shop this Friday. Would you like to join me?"
Be willing to try new things.
You're set in your ways, but not really. In your 30's and 40's, you still have a lot of life exploring to do! So don't be so quick to unpack your bags in your comfort zone. Consider the possibilities of joining a book club, hanging out at a bar, trying a new place for coffee, having an excursion all the way in Houston, or attending a family get-together with a new acquaintence if invited. Be open-minded to the activities suggested by others.
Make an honest effort.
Are you wiling to adjust your schedule for a Friday get-together, even though that's your night to catch up on your favorite show? Or do you require circumstances to be 100% convenient for you? When making new friends, it's important to be flexible. Because life is not ALL about you!
Don't force it.
It's exciting to meet potential new friends, but don't get TOO ambitious. Look for tell-tale signs that maybe "she's just not that into you," LOL, or maybe it's not a good match. If it's getting too difficult to coordinate, or conversations never seem to flow smoothly, there are no common interests, and it seems like the whole ordeal just feels awkward or uncomfortable, give it a break. You tried.
Commit to Maintenance.
I know how tempting it is to put a new friendship on auto pilot, but the easiest way for a relationship to go south is to ignore it. Don't do that. Commit to regular friend dates and the occasional text message to check-in on a frequent basis. If you send out holiday cards, put your new "friend" on your mailing list.
A friend for YOU doesn't have to be a friend for everyone.
Mommy friends can just be mommy friends. Don't feel like your friends' kids have to be the perfect playdate buddies for your kids, or that their husbands need to be best buds with yours. Sometimes, it's just the mommies that gel well with each other, and that's perfectly fine. Spend time together without involving the rest of the family.
Connect on social media.
Get into some Facebook groups and find other moms who share your interests, personality traits, or ideologies. Facebook is a safe way to scope out a person for a while (i.e. stalk) before being stuck with them for an hour on a face-to-face lunch date.
Seek out special interest groups.
Do you like to read? Join a book club. Our libraries have many opportunities for you to read books with others and make friends while discussing. Of if you have a different hobby, seeking other like-minded individuals to enjoy the interests together is a great way to meet people.
Spend time with work colleagues.
Work friendships can seem like a no-no, but I met my husband at work, so I beg to differ. In fact, many of my most satisfying friendships have been with women and men I've met at work. It actually increases your morale when you have people at work who you really enjoy seeing and can wisecrack with. Work becomes an extension of your social life, which can be beneficial for your mental health.
Keep old friends.
The sales-training experts will tell you it's easy to keep old customers than to gain new ones. It's the same for friendships. It's easier and often more satisfying to keep old friends than to try to build new friendships. Do I have to sing the Girl Scout song to you? All together now: "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other is gold." So put in the work with your old friends, even when the going gets kinda tough.You'll never agree eye-to-eye on everything, and every real friendship has it's bumps and bruises, but the more you work towards a healthier connection, the stronger your friendship will grow. So if it's been a long time since you've reached out to an old friend, make it a point to do so this week.
Be easy to get along with.
Sorry to say this, but some moms just don't have any mommy friends because they suck! LOL, I'm just kidding (mostly). But you know if you're the type of person who is always negative, toxic, a complainer, doesn't play fairly, a gossiper, a difficult person, etc. If that's the case, instead of focusing on building friendships, try to spend some time being a better YOU! Love yourself, come with the positive energy, and start being a person that people genuinely enjoy hanging around.
Final thoughts:
Making new friends as you get older can be challenging, but one of the most important things to remember is to BE AVAILABLE. Maybe we’d have more friends if we didn’t already look so busy. So, stop staring into your mobile phone. Speak to people when you walk into a room. Give eye contact as you’re passing by. Make sure you’re not unintentionally sending signals that you’re content with your social life just the way it is, because if it looks like you want to be left alone, that's just what people will do. Open yourself up for new friendships, and follow these tips, and watch your friends list grow!
